Sexual Self-Confidence

The thing is, over and over again, research has shown that men who have premature ejaculation, or come quickly, have a low level of sexual self-confidence.

In general that’s more significant in their minds than the effect that their rapid ejaculation might have on their relationship!

Anxiety about coming quickly, and embarrassment about doing so, are also very common among men who cannot delay ejaculation and who come prematurely. They often say they’re depressed because of it. And almost every man who comes quickly says that his confidence in life is diminished because of his performance in bed. Why?

I think the answer is that men see longer sex as better sex. And I think we all see better sex as the mark of a man. (So the opposite is true for premature ejaculators: “Shorter sex without control means you are a….”  Fill in the gap for yourself.)

Unfortunately that’s an opinion probably shared by most of the women in relationships with men who can’t last longer during sex. Be that as it may, you can see how men with a tendency to ejaculate prematurely could easily be lacking in self-confidence and self-esteem.

They’re just not alpha males, in their own minds!

I’ve already mentioned the fact that some men don’t even try to find a new relationship because of the embarrassing experiences that result from not knowing how to delay ejaculation when making love to a women.

Of course, if you never go to bed with a woman, you’re never going to learn how to develop ejaculation control and last longer!

This means that a man wants to get over premature ejaculation must be prepared to talk to his partner about it openly and intimately.

Also think on this: anxiety is both a cause of premature ejaculation and a consequence of it. (Don’t get it? Look at it this way. Do you ever think anxiously about coming too soon? And doesn’t this anxiety make you climax even quicker?)

Beating anxiety by learning to relax during sex is one of the key foundation stones to controlling the speed with which you approach your orgasm and slowing down your ejaculation. All of that is described in my recommended treatment program.

One interesting thing scientists have discovered is the variable way a man with premature ejaculation describes his problem. So, for example, you find some men who come just before or after they penetrate their partner who say they have only a “moderate” problem. Yeah, right. That’s a completely unrealistic view, since the average length of intercourse is 5 to 7 minutes before ejaculation. More denial, yes?

The Effect of Premature Ejaculation On A Couple

Very often a woman thinks that she might well reach orgasm during intercourse if only her man was able to last longer before he ejaculated. That’s probably not true, since a lot of women can’t reach orgasm during intercourse, but it’s an interesting attitude.

It suggests that a lot of women are blaming their lack of orgasm on a man’s premature ejaculation. Of course whether that’s true or not, it doesn’t make a man feel any better about himself. So are all couples where the man does not know how to delay ejaculation going through a hard time?

I think the answer is it depends what you mean by “premature”. (Too soon, too quickly, too early, rapid, fast… hmm. Let’s see.)

Suppose that a couple are very much in love, and spend a couple of hours playing with erotic massage, kissing, oral sex, and other sexual techniques, until they are extremely aroused. She has one or more orgasms before he enters her.

Suppose that the man, highly aroused, then penetrates his partner, and ejaculates after only 30 seconds. Would that be premature ejaculation?

Possibly. But would the couple be satisfied with their sexual encounter, especially if the woman had an orgasm before he entered her? Almost certainly.

So you have to be a little bit careful here.

That’s why “premature ejaculation” is defined as an ejaculation that happens too quickly and leaves the couple feeling dissatisfied.

After all, some couples may be very happy with extremely short intercourse.

Another thing that men tend to forget when they talk about premature ejaculation is that it isn’t how quickly a man ejaculates that’s important in defining the condition. It’s not really helpful to think of “premature” as meaning two minutes of sex, three minutes, or whatever.

What’s actually important is how much control a man has over his ejaculation. How masculine he is. How much of a man he has become as he has grown into adulthood.

A man who has a great deal of control can choose whether to come quickly or slowly depending on what he and his partner want. A man who has almost no control over his ejaculation most of the time is a premature ejaculator however you define “premature”.

But there’s more….

The thing is, you also have to remember that what’s sexually satisfying and pleasurable one couple isn’t necessarily going to satisfy another. That’s why there is such a personal element to the definition of premature ejaculation.

I’ve met couples able to make love for 15 minutes or more who were definitely dissatisfied with the length of intercourse (“too short”) and who were convinced the man had premature ejaculation.

One of the big things behind this attitude is a woman’s desire to reach orgasm during intercourse through her partner’s thrusting alone. And sure, some women can do this, but they’re definitely in the minority. Say 15% of women or fewer.

For most women it’s an unrealistic hope and expectation that they will come during intercourse. Mostly, a woman will achieve orgasm if her man stimulates her clitoris, an outcome generally more pleasurable and emotionally satisfying for her if he’s got his finger or his penis inside her vagina at the same time.

There is another aspect to premature ejaculation which sometimes is overlooked. Premature ejaculation doesn’t always happen with every partner.

Sometimes it will only occur in a specific situation, or with a specific partner. Sometimes it happens with everyone, everywhere. Medics use the terms “situational” and “global” to describe these two types of premature ejaculation.

And there’s a clue here perhaps about how PE starts. If a man experiences premature ejaculation with a new partner, either in a relationship or outside a relationship, then he’s probably very sexually excited.

He may come too soon for his liking, or his partner’s liking. In either case, we’re back to the fact that he has little control over how to obstruct, slow down, impede or delay his ejaculation.

So the next time he has sex, he fears it will happen again. And thinking about it, focusing on it… guess what? No surprise. He comes too soon. Again..

Find Out How To Delay Ejaculation

Most men lose interest in sex after they’ve ejaculated, so sex really does tend to come to an abrupt end when the man reaches orgasm. For women, who are often multi-orgasmic, this can be a really annoying experience.

So one of the key things you can do if you’re a man who comes quickly is to give your partner an orgasm before you ejaculate.

You can use your tongue, your lips, your mouth and your fingers on her clitoris and vagina to bring her to an exciting orgasm that will go a long way towards satisfying her before you start to have sex. This makes premature ejaculation seem a lot less important.

By the way, I didn’t mention the fact that as long ago as the 1950s, Alfred Kinsey thought that about half of all men ejaculated within two minutes of entering their partner. Some research done quite recently demonstrated that nothing has changed in the years since then. The average length of intercourse, among men who define themselves premature ejaculators, is still just about two minutes.

Another interesting point is that the average duration of intercourse is around seven minutes. This means that men who don’t know how to delay ejaculation are coming very quickly, and there must be a lot of them. (Estimates range from 50% to 75% of all men.)

I know that this is against a social and cultural background which actually regards long-lasting intercourse as very important to both the man and the woman. If you think about it, most of the images of sex that you see on TV and in films and movies depict lovemaking as panting, sweaty, long-lasting, and very satisfying for both partners.

Is it any wonder that unless premature ejaculation is dealt with, it can lead to irritability, stress, and disconnection between a couple?

The point I’m making here is that premature ejaculation isn’t just a man’s problem. It’s a couple’s problem. And certainly if the man’s going to get over it, his partner will have to help him.

For treatment to be effective, a woman has to understand that her man’s going to feel both embarrassed and ashamed about PE. And he needs to know that she may feel frustrated, resentful and angry. If they don’t communicate about this, the recipe is one of disaster.

I want to emphasize that using distraction techniques (think about “roadkill”) and many other recommended tricks are not at all useful for a man seeking ways to delay  ejaculation.

Other things that don’t work hard drinking alcohol, using recreational drugs, or wearing a couple of condoms (or delay cream, for that matter).

The fact is, to control PE, you need to control your sexual responses, and the only one way of doing that is to use a program specifically designed for the purpose. (Funnily enough, I sell one.)

The last point I want to make here is this. Sometimes a woman, sometimes a man, actually finds premature ejaculation useful in some way, even if they say something different.

For example, she may not like sex very much, and would prefer to get it over with as soon as possible. Or a man may have a deep-seated fear of women, or not be able to trust a woman very much. Guess what purpose the man’s early ejaculation serves here?

So, if you have any suspicion that your partner is not fully into sex, then you really do have to talk about the problem together. That’s how you can delay ejaculating for long enough for your partner to get pleasured. OK?