Origins of delayed ejaculation

Many men think they have to perform during sex; that is, sex is performance oriented for many men. They believe – at some level – that they have to lead, direct and initiate sex.

They believe that the woman’s pleasure is somehow dependent on them; they think that their partner’s pleasure is their responsibility; and somehow more important than their own pleasure. This pressure can be a contributory factor in delaying your ejaculation.

This is because the anxiety about a sense of “having to perform” can cause erectile failure and delayed ejaculation. Also, such internal psychological pressure can produce resentment and anger. You see, the belief that a man has to reach a certain standard during sex (for example, his partner must always reach orgasm, or she must have a certain duration of vaginal intercourse to be satisfied) is a common one.

Unfortunately many men believe that they must perform in a certain way, or achieve certain objectives during sex, such as always leading their partner to orgasm, or initiating during sexual activity.

Another belief that men often hold is that they must always have a full erection which is maintained from start (arousal) to finish (ejaculation) during sexual activity, and that the conclusion of sexual activity is usually ejaculation in the vagina during sexual intercourse.

It follows that a man may well put pressure on himself to achieve these objectives, and if he has any doubt about his ability to sustain them, he will develop anxiety, which will reduce his capacity to ejaculate easily, which will increase his anxiety, and so on, in a vicious negative circle.

Many men learn to compensate for this anxiety and lack of sexual confidence by using particular sexual tricks such as fantasy or “extreme” sexual practices to keep their arousal high.

The logical consequence of this is that is the man’s mental processes which are maintaining his erection, rather than the arousal in his body. This will be particularly true if he’s experiencing high levels of resentment or anger during sex.

Such strategies may well work when a man is in his sexual prime, but they are less successful when he’s in his 40s, 50s or 60s, because he simply doesn’t have the level of testosterone which will help to sustain his arousal when he’s not physically aroused.

This is a cause of delayed ejaculation in midlife: a man has not made the transition from mental or emotional arousal to physical arousal. There are many implications in this for a man’s emotional relationship with his partner.

For example, if there are issues which undermine the foundations of his capacity to be aroused within that relationship, then they may well show as delayed ejaculation as the man gets older.

Some men resort to giving up sex altogether; others try to find a new partner with whom there is less emotional baggage or more initial “chemistry” and attraction. Both of these strategies appear to be doomed to failure in the long term. So what’s to be done?

The first step is probably to get therapy or counseling within the context of the relationship. Then the issues between the partners can be addressed and resolved. The next step is to undertake some kind of behavioral exercises that enable the man to tune in to the arousal of his body — because it’s the physical arousal of his body that is the true key to re-establishing sexual arousal and getting a man back to full potency.

Successful exercises used by sex therapists to achieve this are collectively known as sensate focus. Sensate focus consists of a gradual series of exercises which the partners touch each other in a way that is is designed to eliminate sexual pressure.

There is an explicit commitment to avoid sexual activity in the initial stages of the sensate focus exercises, so that a man may begin to experience true level of connection with his body, and with his partner, without feeling sexual pressure.

This removes the fear or anxiety or expectation that a man may have a  responsibility to sexually pleasure his partner, and it leaves him free just to enjoy the sensual nature of intimacy with her. After a period of time, the partners move on to a series of touching exercises where genital contact is allowed, although masturbation or oral sex to orgasm is still prohibited.

Once again the object is to enhance the man’s experience of sexuality with out any form of sexual performance pressure so that he and his partner are able to make contact with their sexual natures, their physical arousal, and their sexual responses without feeling any degree of pressure.

As you may have guessed, the next step in sensate focus engages the couple in a series of exercises where they touch each other all over including on their genitals. They may even masturbate to orgasm. But the whole point of sensate focus is that progress to full sexual activity is paced and gradual.

Together with anxiety reducing exercises, sensate focus enables a man to get his sexual confidence back and to establish in his own mind that he’s able to become aroused through physical stimulation alone. It’s actually the loss of a man’s contact with his sexual self which is one of the major causes of delayed ejaculation: your body can certainly engage in the reflex responses that are usually associated with sexual activity, but the mental arousal needed for full engagement is missing.

There’s more to the psychological and behavioral treatment for delayed ejaculation than sensate focus alone, but it is certainly a powerful and effective form of treatment for this and many other sexual dysfunctions.

Women and delayed ejaculation

We have already seen some of the ways in which women can contribute to delayed ejaculation above. It’s worth looking at this in more detail, because without being aware of the facts, both men and women can think a problem exists where in fact there is nothing unusual happening.

First and foremost, women are not usually in any position to judge what a change in male sexuality means. This would be like a man trying to interpret the changes that his partner will go through at the time of her menopause. This issue is compounded by the fact that many women will interpret any change in their man’s sexual expression as being a reflection on her. So, if his penis becomes less hard, she interprets it as meaning that he finds her less attractive, or perhaps that he is seeing another woman, or that she has done something wrong. If he cannot ejaculate, that too may be “her fault”.

If the relationship happens to be in its early stages, and a woman begins to see a man’s delayed ejaculation as a sign that he is not attracted to her, she may begin to put pressure on him: “What’s the matter?” “What have I done?” “Don’t you find me attractive?” 

But these questions and others like them will make a man feel under even more pressure, thereby making it even more likely that he will lose his arousal, which can compound the problem even further. And yet this isn’t necessarily going to work for an older man – as we’ve already seen, he might not be able to ejaculate during intercourse without manual stimulation from his partner.